Alright...I really haven't updated this in about seven weeks (im not counting .. .thats what livejournal told me)

and I have no idea what to say

I have one application to get out (eastman) this week

and a recording to do on sunday

and a workshop to go to and play at on friday

and you should all come out Thursday Friday or Saturday to see Just Another High School Play ($7 for adults, $5 for students)

It will be funny

it will be good

other then that ... I have nothing to say

YAY!!!!

for the past few days I thought my hermit crab was dying

nope he is more alive than ever! He molted last night

thats good because he hasn't molted in a year and a half .. but I guess now that I am taking really good care of him that could change it

soon he will probably change shells. I am really happy


except for some of my family issues life is good

I start my new job tomorrow...hopefully I won't get lost getting there lol


oh I need to finish my applications to ithaca and rowan soon

and I need to get Rie's and Ms. Desmonds recommendations


so much to do, so little time






by the way .. anyone know any really good pianists for to accompany me? because I really wanted Mrs. Macchione but she isn't getting back to me ..

I am going to kill myself.

I am sitting in Multimedia design right now ...which is a joke ... with the biggest idiots in the entire school. We don't have anything on the computer that we are supposed to have ...
the teachers phone isn't working...


and this entire class is ridiculous


Well .. in other news


I AM GOING TO A CONCERT ON SATURDAY!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!


Tom, Me, Ben and Jenn are going to see ben folds at the mann music center in philly...


thank god we have seats and not lawn shit because its supposed to rain.

I am so excited.


I guess I really haven't updated in a while. Tom and I are doing really good. We talk a whole lot, which is good, but I'm still trying to get used to it. The whole open communication thing was never easy for me, but I'm adjusting. Looking at it from a different more open perspective, I really realize just how lucky I am to have someone that respects me so much, wants to spend all of his time with me, and really wants to just never loose me. Its amazing, but whats more amazing, is that I'm really starting to feel the same way. I mean I spend like all my time over there and his family doesn't mind and he doesn't get sick of me. At least not yet lol, and hopefully not ever.

I guess I really feel good because my family loves him and is so comfortable with me being with him.



I love it

I am so happy right now







All right .. gotta go .. I'll try and update another time when I'm not crunched for time and a teacher is not standing near me

alright ........ two accidents in 17 years and neither caused by me thank god.

Well tom and i were in an accident today. We were in stop and go traffic going to the cape may zoo and he just pressed the gass and looked up and everyone was stopped and he slammed on his brakes but still hit the truck in front of us. But of course the truck had a hitch and nothing was wrong with it and his front end was just gone .. completely caved in. Then when we were waiting for the cops to process everything, we saw three accidents avoided and finally another one happened ... a huge 4 car pile up right in front of us. I dont think tom ever pulled me back so fast. It was bad .. a pick up was sandwitched between another pick up with hit a car and a white van slammed in to all of three cars already in an accident. They all were going at least 50 mph when they hit everyone. the lady in the pick up's passanger seat .. her head went through the back window and they got her out of there fast and apparently there were a few other injuries.


At least tom and I are okay .. im really grateful for that. I don't know if I could have handled it if anything were to happen to him.



wow .. im tired i need to go to bed ...

so i know no one wants to hear about this so here is your warning .. this entry will be a complaining entry about college





alright so I talked to the professor at eastman and he told me like a few weeks ago that there were going to be prescreening auditions for clarinet. That means that I have to make a dvd of me playing with a piano as accompaniment and play all kinds of stuff. Then they will send me a letter of either rejection or of an invitation to play a live audition for them. This sucks and is good in a way because you know by like the end of december if you get in or not. Now I looked on their site and they changed almost everything. I have to learn like 5 orchestral excerpts. A whole new piece .. finish weber, finish poulanc...finish my etudes and tune up my melodic minor and major scales... worry about college, find a really really good piano player .. find the money to pay them ... find someone to make a dvd for me and have all my dvd ready and great to be sent out before november. oh .. and clean up mozart



this is bullshit

i feel like i can't handle this .. how am I ever going to get those things clean and good? I mean .. poulanc is almost done .. and alright, now it just needs to be polished .. weber has a long way to go ...


ahhhhh!!!!!!!


im going to kill myself

this is me just letting my mind go because it hasn't in a while ... you really don't have to read this








red... the color of the cloth a bull runs after
the color of my blood
or a representation of evil

red ... a symbol for a heart

heart... a symbol of love/like

how can something with so many negative connotations be related to one of the strongest words that any language has to offer?

love... a feeling humans have for one another
a word frequently used in phrases indicating feelings
a word that does not mean as much when said without the I

"I love you"
"love you"

which one means more?


love ... something that can fill you with warmth
an object that one can rip away from someone else .. leaving them broken and alone
easily taken or given in todays society


broken ... how someone feels when love is lost, missing in action, or when love is just not present at the moment

its strange how opposites really do attract


missing ... a feeling of loss
a soldier who was not found after war
a child in a busy area without a parent
my heart when I'm not with you
how one feels when love is not present but is not completely gone.. this person is not yet broken but is just wish a significant other were there



....I really don't think there is a single word in the english language with no negative words to constantly be related


or how about this for strange

no one wants a black and white world correct? When a world becomes black and white there is no room for flexibility inbetween. When a couple gets married the groom wheres black and the bride wheres white traditionally. A newly wed couple is hoping to start a new life with flexibility so that each person gets along. when there is no gray present at the beginning is it still possible to have gray develope or is that just a sign of a worn down marriage?

I got my senior pictures today.


This is insane.


work suck ....

Alright so today sucks. I had to call out of work because last night Tom stepped on my glasses and I can't really see the computer screens without them. So this morning we went to lense crafters at 10 (when it opened) and just assumed that we would be in and out. WRONG.


Okay She starts to fix them and notices that the lense is cracked pretty badly at this point. That makes me angry. Then she says my warrenty expired in 2006.


Thats rediculous I got the glasses in like january. So apparently when I exchanged my old frames for these ones they didn't put a new warrenty on them. Granted, I didn't want to exchange them in the first place but was forced to because they weren't able to fix my old frames due to the fact that the old frames were recalled. That is bullshit. So I was forced to get new glasses at that point and did an exchange because it was so much cheaper. Now they kept the old warrenty for the new glasses and now I am forced to get new lenses. So while I was there today, pissed off like no other, I called my mom and she said just to get an eye exam because it had been a year an a half since my last one and why would you replace lenses that aren't really working.


So I got in line and got my eye exam and everything else. More bad news. My prescription has changed and I need new lenses. Awesome.


So in the long run we figured out that it wouldn't be that much more expensive to just get a whole deal -new lenses and new frames. Then I can keep these as a back up pair so I'm not fucked over everytime my glasses break.


And we are going to be looking into contacts since my luck with glasses sucks.


So thats my story for today. I will be leaving in a little bit to go to the mall and get new glasses. Bullshit. Whatever

my mom and dad aren't to mad about it so I guess thats good


I guess I'll say it again, everything happens for a reason

So I just changed my layout .... now its time to change my pictures lol now that I've upgraded everything i need more pictures to put on here

so


life is boring ..I want to go to the beach again and I do like nothing all day at work which sucks but its like free money so its not to bad


umm .. really nothing going on other then that stuff

boring boring boring




oh i did find out some really sucky news .... Eastman is doing prescreening auditions now, which sucks majorly but there is nothing i can do about it I just have to make the cd and go with the flow .... w/e

what have i done?

Where do we go from here?

it feels right and wrong at the same time. And I know my limits which is really whats bothering me. I know I can't handle this right now and its all you want, so where am I left


I let this go to far and I shouldn't have

I just want this the way it was before, simple and beautiful

I just don't think you understand. I don't want to ruin you and its the person I am. for whatever reason i'm a person who has been destined to be alone and if we start this now, or even at all, I'll break your heart without even trying

I hate me for it but i don't have control over it. I'm a stranger in my own skin





I'm so confused. I don't know what I want and time has the most pressure. how do I change what seems like it can't be undone.

but the worst part is ..i dont know whats more true, that I'm deathly afraid of hurting you or that I don't want someone so that I don't have to be dependent on another human being.



Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, the only way they would ever work with me is if there is a lot of space and no one wants a relationship like that. They may say they will deal with the space if it means having me, but its never what they mean. Think logically. Why would anyone want a relationship that only existed when the other person felt like having one?



I'm gone and I breathe because it's necessary

Dear livejournal,

I have neglected to tell you anything about my life in the past billion years. I would say I'm sorry, but I don't care that much.


Umm ...anyway


So it is officially out in the air that Chelc is going out with Brown. I think I wanted to say that because now I can...whereas back in April or May or anytime between october and now I really was sworn to secrecy .. well not really I was just asked not to tell but in my eyes that secrecy because as asked, i didnt open my mouth

anyway


i have been to the shore once this summer

and have desperate cravings to go again. If anyone is up for it, you let me know when and ill be ready. Preferably during the weekend, but weekdays are fine to if you let me know in advance.



umm ... other then that

I am a senior now

and have my list of audition repertoire almost completely taken care of

And my SAT and ACT scores came in

I did fine on my Critical reading and Writing...but math was not so good
my dad wants to find me some books to practice in and maybe a tutor so that it comes up

he only wants to do that because of scholarships and stuff i know he is only worried and looking out for me but it still sucks

I'm sure when I take them again my math score will go up, everything else might go up to, that would be cool but im not worried about everything else


my ACT scores are alright I got a composite score of 25 (they go on a 1-36 scale) and im still waiting for my writing scores ... we'll see



its not like these tests even matter as far as me getting into college go my audition is what counts ... and only two of my colleges actually look at the scores anyway

but like my dad said, its just for the money and financial aid







what ever





alright i should be going to bed but im not tired at all

and my cat snores extremely loudly .. preventing me from sleep

one more year
one more year
one more year




maybe if i just keep saying it like that it won't seem so bad

I hate looking at myself and seeing that I'm turning into everything I don't want to be

and then knowing that the world is on anti-depressants and im going to join the crowd doesn't help


I really just want something to work out nothing is working out anymore

I'm moody and no one wants to be around me and it doesn't help because I can't control this. Its not in my hands anymore and I don't know whats going on all I want to do is sleep, im so tired anymore and more then sleep all I want to do is be angry .. its not what i want but its what i am and im so sick of it

what i want is control ... I miss being in control


I wish there was just one psychiatrist in the world who would take in me as a patient .. no psychiatrists are taking in new patients and its making me wait forever

just give me some bi-polar meds and the world will be a better place






"Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked. Do not assume that everybody who smiles is happiness."

Alright so its been a while. And I have'nt been on here as much but when I am i spend the time thinking about "hmm .. I should really post in my lj sometime soon (except I dont really think lj, i just abbeviate on here because im cool)

and i still dont know what to post in here

except that i hate people, umm we got second in colorguard, something must seriously mentally be wrong with me, i keep getting really bad headaches and don't know why, i have really bad allergies, i wish i was good enough for anyone, i hate that my step mom doesnt even care about me, i hate living with so many people, i can't wait to get out and go to college, im hearing a really bad ringing and it wont go away, i could go for a vanilla bean coolatta from dunkin donuts or a vanilla bean frappachino from starbucks (its the only thing I like there ..and its totally over priced which makes me just remember i shouldn't have it because all those pennies that go into getting it just make me fat and have heart problems before the age of 30) I wish people would take more time to know me as a person, i need a new clarinet, i wish my english grade were higher, i wish i knew what was going on in any of my classes

and it would be really nice if I got into philadelphia sinfona but with all the asians from philly i think the odds are against me



you know im really happy that mexicans aren't like asians in the intellegence level because there are a lot of illegal mexicans here and the odds would be even more against me


alright gotta go


peace

I wish i had someones arms to lay in and be held by

I wish I could see my friends more


I wish guard would just end


but most of all I wish i wasn't acting so bipolar all the time anymore

1 Renaissance 77.0
2 Northwind 76.3
3 Essense 74.3
4 Highland 73.8
5 Exquisite 73.2
6 Vibrato 70.3
7 Collingswood 68.0
8 AMP 64.3
9 Chichester 62.7
10 All Stars 62.2
11 Lock Haven University 60.7
12 Fuzion 55.8




we are first ... but not by much ...

Independent Novice A
1 Exquisite 71.5 12-Apr Brentwood HS
2 Renaissance 69.2 12-Apr Williamstown
3 Essense 68.8 5-Apr Apex
4 Highland 68.2 12-Apr Sterling
5 Northwind 67.7 12-Apr Daniel Boone
6 Vibrato 65.6 12-Apr Owen J Roberts
7 Collingswood 65.1 12-Apr Williamstown
8 Chichester 62.7 12-Apr Bensalem
9 AMP 61.3 12-Apr Williamstown
11 All Stars 61.2 19-Apr Henderson
10 Lock Haven University 60.7 12-Apr Westmont-Hilltop
12 Fuzion 55.8 5-Apr Apex




But today we got a 77.0 and they don't have those scores up ..

who the hell is exquisite?



ill give an update when they put the new stuff up this week
from this weekend

i hate pain

any kind

whether it be loneliness, anger, mental or physical

unfortunately right now mine is physical and i really wish it would go away

i can barely walk

i go to the doctor tomorrow though so hopefully he can find out what is wrong

i hate people who say they will do something and then never do it

i hate having people near me that can't make up their mind

and i hate when people complain about something that they didn't even have to help with .. if its that much trouble then don't help .. thirteen girls are fine with it every day after practice and we never have anyone else, and i can tell you thats what tom will say

is it heavy? yeah it is, but we manage... would it be nice to have a new floor? yeah but its not goign to happen .. your fighting a losing battle, drop it




















alright on another note .... I got together with an old friend today and it was awesome

ummm i can't wait til guard ends

i still have to get senior gifts and no one has given me money



i have way to much to do right now .. i hate this